Subject:      HOW THE KELLNER KILLED "FREAKAZOID!"
From:         J or S Weinman <jacjud@istar.ca>
Date:         1997/02/06
Message-Id:   <5dbd8o$ka0@news.istar.ca>
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HOW THE KELLNER KILLED "FREAKAZOID!"
By Jaime J. Weinman (aka Dr. Snooze)

All the fans up in fandom liked Freakazoid's show,
But the Kellner, that meanie, declared: "It must go.
Our new kiddie lineup is ready, I've planned it,
And Freakazoid!'s out, 'cause I don't understand it.
A show that is dumb does our network no harm,
The Washington pedants will speak of its charm,
To all its stupidity they'll be forgiving
Because it gives children some lessons in living.
No show can be good from my viewpoint unless
It's copied from some other network's success,
And Freakazoid's different, it follows no fad,
*Ipso facto cum latin whatever*, it's bad."
So all trace of the blue-boy was quickly erased,
And on Saturday mornings, Freak's show was replaced
By some shows starring characters warm, cute and fuzzy.
"I'm on the right track," thought the Kellner. But was he?
The ratings came in, and he read them, aghast--
With Freak they'd been last, and without, they were--last!
The Kellner said: "How can this possibly be?
We put on the shows that the kids love to see:
Captain Planet is rescuing every last tree,
And we gave them TV that we called Umptee-3.
Yet despite all this rich educational fare,
We've a rating of nil and a minus-one share!
We bombed without Cosgrove, we bombed without Freak,
We bombed with a cartload of lessons each week!
We're doing no better with cute education
Than we did for two seasons with Freak's innovation!
Oh, well, I'm upset, but there's one thing that's true:
Better flops that are hackneyed than anything new."
And the Kellner, resigned to the fact that he'd fail,
Threw the ratings aside and then opened his mail.
He read one short letter straight through on the double
(Which, since he's illiterate, gave him some trouble);
It said: "Here's our little reward for your plans.
Just two little words." Signed, all Freakazoid fans.
The two little words at the bottom, in black,
He read out aloud: "Say, what's this? 'CANDLE JACK?'
What the heck does that mean?  Well, can't think anymore,
Better get back to"--then came a knock at the door.
"A knock?" said the Kellner. "Now who can that be?"
He answered the door.
                     "Hello, Kellner!"
                                       TEE-HEE!

                                Jaime J. Weinman